by Paul Washington Uduk
The day couldn't have gotten any worse. I was a whole day behind the submission of a design project presentation and the rain just kept pouring. My colleagues and supervisor must have called my cell phone number six hundred and twenty four times but my cell phone battery had plunged into the dead zone when the tenth or twelveth call came in. The horns kept blaring and the traffic only got tighter. Yet, I didn't feel as worried as I expected I would feel. Sure, my job was on the line and I surely felt like crap at the moment. There was an inner calm I couldn't quite explain.
Just six months ago I had been in a similar situation. It wasn't half as bad as this seemed to be. Deadlines for a number of projects loomed close by for completion and i had felt overwhelmed by all of it. There was an inner drive and I worked myself harder to make sure I met with all the deadlines. One faithful morning, after roughly three hours of sleep I awoke at 5 am and decided to take a stroll to clear the unimaginable choking feeling I felt. I had barely made it out the door and I dropped. I opened his eyes to hospital lights, a drip and three colleagues. I had fainted. There was blood pouring from my chin and pain I hadn't felt when I "supposedly" fainted. Friends came over as though the worse thing had happened. But, I felt fine! Besides the unexplainable source of blood from my chin. And a memory of suddenly having everything suddenly go blank! All these people were talking nonsense. I felt great and wanted to get back to where I had dropped off on my projects.
There was a bag of drip hanging on a pole beside me. I had never had that before and it felt strange, like I had lost something. My friends who brought me needed to go freshen up and start their day. I was forced to lay there alone and do nothing but watch the drip slowly (very slowly) drop its content into my vein. I called a doctor to come quicken the rate at which the drip dropped. He did something but I couldn't perceive the difference between the previous rate and the new one. I laid there literally counting the drops as it dripped into the small cylinder that connected the drip bag to the slender pipe. My eyes raised to notice the drip bag. I was at around count 12 and I figured that it would take another nine hundred thousand nine hundred and twelve more counts to get the drip empty.
At that thought, I felt my heart beat slow down and the rest of my body began to calm. I realised that I had not so long ago gotten a glimpse of the most blissful moment I had ever experience; I feel of nothingness. Absolutely no consciousness, just the feel of floating in an expansive ocean of bliss where absolutely nothing was in my mind but a sense of being. No time, no sounds, no images, no projects and certainly no deadlines. I had this moment that felt like I was out for forty seven hours but was really barely above four minutes. As I laid there trying to relive that moment. I felt small. A drop of water in a pond three billion time bigger than the ocean. What was I here for? Why was I pursuing life when it stood right in front of me? If that moment was really the end, what difference would I have left? I fell asleep to be awoken by more people that I couldn't count. All there to wish me well. I didn't even know I knew all these people and they were here. We laughed, we sang, we ate and we prayed. And for the first time in a while; I felt grateful. It felt really good. I didn't have to say anything but I really felt it. My mind highlighted an acronym I had originally come across in Dennis Waitley's book The Psychology of Winning: BAG. I had not be counting my Blessings, turned a blind I to my Accomplishments, and choose to crush myself with my Goals. My BAG felt full but I had no idea what was in it.
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